Last free sanctuary..

It is nessercary to suffer to be beautiful-Unknown.


'Lights out,
I still hear the rain,
These images that fill my head,
Now keep my fingers from making mistakes,
Tell my voice what it takes,
To speak up,
Speak up,
and keep my conscience clean when I wake.'

I never wanted what I am becoming.
Unfortunetly I am perpetually human.
Open up your heart, and then?

'I've never told a lie,
and that makes me a liar,
I've never made a bet,
but we gamble with desire,
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.'

'I am,
in a room I built myself.'
As she sings she chokes. It constricts. You are simply a mirage in my mind, I construct you as I wish.
Its come full circle and all gone too far.
I've fallen too fast, and there's no going back.
If I think I can change you, then I am deluded.
You own me and I own you.
I have altered myself to fit your specifications.
I've weakening, its petrifying.
But maybe I should surrender, stop treading water.
I'm tired.
Will it ever be right?


'In a consumerist society manufactured by men, appearance is seen as the main asset for a woman whereas with men this is not as important. In the edible woman, Atwood's commentary on the unrealistic ideals enforced on women is best shown in a scene in which Marian buys a dress she does not really like to comply with her husbands requests, and is transformed into someone she barely recognises, Marian compares this to an operation. Installed under a hair dryer, Marian finds herself part of an assembly line of identical women. Marian wonders if this 'inert' and 'simply vegetable' existance is what she is being pushed towards and refers to this experience as 'Nessecity of endurance' it is nessercary for her or a woman to do, to succeed, but altogether unpleasant.'

Slowing i'm achieving my 'destiny' and escape is futile.
Dependance is manifesting.

The things I have loved, i'm allowed, to keep. ♥

You made me feel like the other, a vessel. I do not belong to you.
On Saturday I softened, for once I did not close my eyes and hear your voice, imagine it was you.
Now you just fill my void.
My void.
Once more time with feeling.
I am being subdued, achieving my 'destiny' with every word I utter, yet again leaving proof of my mess all over the world.
My being.
There is only a maze of the unfamiliar.
I don't go backwards anymore, there's a lot I don't do anymore.
You say I am 'Complicated but fun'
Yet I am not ready to reveal myself to you.
And you, when the elaborate mask leaves my face, and the cracks are evident, and piles and piles of thoughts are made clear, You do not do me the 'common courtesy'
You are 'typical'.
How am I expected to maintain this optimism?
I shall not sink into the realms of dependancy.
I am not, 'the other'.

Potentially lovely, Perpetually human♥

Yesterday I saw this at the van gough exibition.
It was so beautiful.


'Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again.'


'For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.'


He was not the mad man I have percieved him to be, just a little lost.






'I am
Through the woods and past the trains
I wait here in vain
Scrubbing out the stains again
Potentially lovely
Perpetually human
Haphazardly open
Open
Open

Open up you heart, and then
In a night, the snow starts falling
And everybody stares
Through their windows at the streetlights
Too beautiful to see

I am
In a room I've built myself
Four straight walls
One floor
One ceiling
And day after day, I wake up feeling
Day, way
Day after way feeling

Potentially lovely
Perpetually human
Suspended and open
Open
Open
Open

Open up
Your heart
And then..'



Regina spektor♥
And then?
I know not what I do.

So, What's new?

[See Illude.] Deceiving by false show; deceitful; deceptive; false; illusory; unreal.

Detatchment:
1. The act or process of disconnecting or detaching; separation.
2. The state of being separate or detached.
3. Indifference to or remoteness from the concerns of others; aloofness: preserved a chilly detachment in his relations with the family.



'history repeats itself, it fails to die
and animal agression is my downfall
I don't care about what you got, I wanted all.

It's bricked up in my head, it's shoved under my bed, and I question myself again..'

Remember, faith is precious.

Cos its bad to do what's easy, just cos its easy, I want to do what pleases me but I can't♥

'All Things will Die

Clearly the blue river chimes in its flowing

Under my eye;
Warmly and broadly the south winds are blowing

Over the sky.
One after another the white clouds are fleeting;
Every heart this May morning in joyance is beating

Full merrily;
Yet all things must die.
The stream will cease to flow;
The wind will cease to blow;
The clouds will cease to fleet;
The heart will cease to beat;
For all things must die.
All things must die.
Spring will come never more.
O, vanity!
Death waits at the door.
See! our friends are all forsaking
The wine and the merrymaking.
We are call’d–we must go.
Laid low, very low,
In the dark we must lie.
The merry glees are still;
The voice of the bird
Shall no more be heard,
Nor the wind on the hill.
O, misery!
Hark! death is calling
While I speak to ye,
The jaw is falling,
The red cheek paling,
The strong limbs failing;
Ice with the warm blood mixing;
The eyeballs fixing.
Nine times goes the passing bell:
Ye merry souls, farewell.
The old earth
Had a birth,
As all men know,
Long ago.
And the old earth must die.
So let the warm winds range,
And the blue wave beat the shore;
For even and morn
Ye will never see
Thro’ eternity.
All things were born.
Ye will come never more,
For all things must die.'

Some of the best things anyone has said to me today:

'I saw a quote today. "Sometimes I think I was born under a black cloud at the same moment a mirror broke and a black cat crossed a path."
Most of these things were going to happen at some point, love. It just all happened at the same time.'
'You can give people your body willingly, love. But your mind is your last free sanctuary - something you don't give to anyone. When you find theperson in your lifethat will have your words too, then you can look back on all this knowing that they didn't really have you.'
'I like to think I came out on top.
You will too. You don't have to be strong. Because it's our nature. "Only in suffering do we recognise beauty."'

I love you becka♥

Stretches out like branches of a poplar tree She says, i'm free ♥

I'm sick of seeming like someone who doesn't care, who wants to be used. I'm simply too good for that.
now i'm stuck with consequences thrust in my face'
Some would say i've had billions of chances, but they were never right.
They were never right. And this? I don't know.
I'm not ready to sacrifice my independance, so I guess it won't.
In sleep, is the only way I can achieve peace.
' in the scheme of my years
it just serves to blugdeon my futile tears.'

I have to read a poem, at your funeral.
About the spring, you loved nature.
You loved peace and no fuss, and now you have it, and that's how it'll be.
I love you and I miss you.