Happy 2010.
Ina few hours i'm going to start piling the makeup on my face :')
With two of the best people in the entire world.
What a year its been on reflection, one of smiles, lots of tears, and i've changed beyond recognition.
and I keep on changing.

What's kept my sanity this year, my favourite things:
Malboro' reds. Long walks. Red lipstick. smoky, dark eyes that look almost better in the morning. Heroin chic. The girls. The work of Atwood. Complaining. Chain smoking. The songs of Wino, Apple, Spektor and Goulding. Lace lace and more lace. Kitsch floral prints. Weight loss. Long legs. Crystal castles. All nighters. Detatchment. Collarbones. spontanious kisses. Cheap vodka. Nights out.Moneys. Sunday mornings & afternoons with Danni. In jokes. Awful photographs. & urban decay.♥


So when the clock struck twelve we all held onto eachother, and I realised there was nowhere else i'd rather be, than with two of my best friends in the world. :)
'Maybe its not my weekend, but its gonna be OUR year'
I love you both billions. ♥

I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified Come on put a little love here in my void,'♥

'All my life is on me now, hail the pages turning
And the future's on the bound, hell don't know my fury
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need - and maybe some faith would
Do me good
I don't know what I'm doing, don't know should I
Change my mind, I can't decide, there's too many
Variations to consider
No thing I do don't do no thing but bring me
More to do,
It's true, I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn't. '



'one day we will leave each other
but we pretend the end's not inevitable
I require protection from my own obsession
in the object of you

one day I will rise above you.'



'I'm undecided about you again
I can be right that you're not here
It's double sided 'cause I ruined it all
But also saved myself
By never believing you dear

Everything good I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before..'

'What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen

Won't you go away
Turn yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson

What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded

My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections.'


'Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for rhyme
And from the first to the last time
The sign says stop
But we went on whole hearted it ended bad
But I love what we started it says stop
But we went on whole hearted it ended bad
But I love what we started.'

"When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king
What he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight
And he'll win the whole thing before he enters the ring
There's nobody to batter when your mind is your might
So when you go solo you hold your own hand
And remember that depth is the greatest of heights
And if you know where you stand then you know where to land
And if you fall it won't matter ''cause you know that you're right"
♥ :)

It's a goodbye, it's curtains down time. Not even out of my dress, and already my voice is fading.#

I heart Natasha Kahn♥

Closure.
Its funny how it doesn't bother me now.
Seeing you for the last time, actually healed more than it hurt.

In the night time we are found
Misty sorrow swoop unbound
Whisper you mean it say you'll stay
Hold my heart till brighter days

Now i am searching [unverified]
This queen of heart's dancing on her throne
But i need sorrow baby life's sorrow is the drug
So will i ever find that place they call good love?

Good love
Passed it last night in a dream
Good love
And my heart caught fire

I drove past true love once in a dream
Like a house that caught fire it burned and flamed
Then the magician disappeared
As quickly as he came

And with a sound like white magic
Caught in a black car's blazing trail
The house set fire to my heart
Like an inferno we shone rays

I swallowed the sun in your form
I woke up and you were crying
I woke up and you were saying

Good love
Passed it last night in a dream
Good love
'cause my heart caught fire

Good love
Passed it last night in a dream
Good love
'cause my heart caught fire

You are there, somewhere, but i've pushed you into the deep recesses.
How i'd love to cut you out.
I asked you how you could be so cold, you said that i'd know more about that than anyone.
You are right.
Yet you are the only person in the world that can reduce me to tears.
So I did cry,
Finally.
and itsetmefree.

Iamnotarobot.

I think when I would desperately give pieces of myself away to anyone who would accept them I was hoping that those pieces would disappear. That the more I gave, the less I would have. Trying to escape myself by abandoning what I could. Except those pieces did not leave me as they left with men/boys/women/girls/strangers, they mutated into something more, some badge of shame, of evidence that now my damage was not just internal. It was out, in the world, it had been seen, it was physical, manifest. I wish I had known that sooner, before I scattered proof of my mess all over the world. I wish I had known I could not outrun myself. I was thinking that the comfort others words can bring, when you can feel like the loneliest person in the world. I plaster the words below on my walls, but for what? That someone will read them, no for comfort. All the Wino’s, the Apple’s, the Atwood’s and the Spektor’s in the world cannot save me, but they’ll bring comfort when I feel at my wits end.

Hello clean sheets, goodbye old photographs, cigarette packets and old diaries. But what does this achieve? A certain part must manifest in me, I know what I have done, and in fact I think I’m the only person in the world who knows everything. That is only the half of it.

No one will save me; I shall decay in a mess of my own doing. Yet I am determined not to.





‘See I’m trying to find my place, but it might not be here while I feel safe. We all learn to make mistakes, and run from them, run from them, with no direction run from them run from them with no conviction, I’m just one of those ghosts. Travelling endlessly, don’t need no roads, in fact they follow me. And we just go in circles....’

Comfort was far too easy. But what did I leave? Something I cannot salvage, long gone out to sea, carried by a tide, gone forever. I can cry a sea full of tears, but it will not bring it back. No crossing back on old roads, I shall turn my back on them. A mark on the map of my past is all. Damaged but not blighted, strong but not victimised. We’ve swapped places in our little game and I am at a stale mate, however you play on, with indifference.

It has been so long since I have cried.

‘Come into my world I’ve got to show show show you, come into my bed I’ve got to know know know you. I have dreams of orca whales and owls but I wake up in fear, you will never be my, you will never be my fool. Floaters in my eyes wake up in a hotel room, cigarettes and lies I am a child grown too soon..’



‘You will never be, my dear dear friend’♥



Will we look back on this with fondness or hatred?

'My best side is your worst invention.'

Come back.
I miss you.
'what a tragedy, you and me'




Iheart jonathon bennett & Laura Ayres.
A suit jacket when i'm cold, Jaeger shots and alex nearly falling into the buffet :')
♥

'Take me where you are.'

I wish I was beautiful, and tragic.
And secretly, I want someone to run away with.



'And under wild blue skies
Marlboro ruby skies
I found a home in your eyes
And we'd never be apart

And when the fires came
The smell of cinders and rain
Perfumed almost everything
We laughed and laughed and laughed

And in the golden blue
Car you took me to
The darkest place you knew
Set fire to my heart

When I run in the dark
Daniel
Into a place that's vast
Daniel
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

But in a goodbye bed
With my arms around your neck
Into our mouths our tears crept
Just kids in the eye of the storm
And as the house spun round
My dreams pulled me from the ground
Forever to search for the faith
For home again
For home again'


2009 feels stale, England is disenchanted, yet there is no new way of thinking, everything is just a rehashed copy of the past.
I feel like I am in the past, with my idealism. My mother said the other day that in the 70's everyone was just so optimistic about the future, even with the cold war, with everything.
Why can it not be like that again?
When I think that I have lived through so little. What has changed everything since I was, since I began?
I think September 11th, changed the world forever. Our perception on things.
Regardless of my views on it, we were no longer safe.
There were suddenly consequences to barbaric foreign policy. Taking people's freedom, and resources for the sake of ours, an unseen enemy, a culture clash ultimately, each as foreign as the other.
Religion vs Capitalism.
This is the new fight isn't it?
We find it impossible to believe that something else might exist, something more important than money.
It makes me feel, like giving up hope.
I really do think far too much.
I'm too young to be this old, and I am insignificant.
I want to pull apart my ribs and let the sun inside, for a rush of joy, but escape is futile.



'I'm here' she said.
He looked at her. His eyes were even more shadowed than usual. More deeply sunk in the sockets, the skin on his face bloodless in the fluorescent light. 'Oh. So you are. The Scarlet woman herself, what time is it?'
'I don't know' she said 'I haven't got my watch on''


'He looked at her with suspicion and took another drag of his cigarette. 'now listen, you should be back there, its your duty, whatshisname needs you.'
'No, you need me more than he does'
As soon as she had said it, it sounded true. Immediately. she felt noble.
He grinned 'No I don't'. You think I need to be rescued but I don't. anyway I don't like being a test case for amateur social workers' He shifted his eyes back to the washing machine.
Marian fidgeted with the leather fingers of one of her gloves, 'But I'm not trying to rescue you' she said. She realised he had tricked her into contradicting herself.
'Then maybe you want me to rescue you? What from? I thought you had it all worked out. And you know I'm totally inept anyway.'
He sounded fairly smug at his own helplessness.'- The Edible Woman









Some men aren't looking for anything logical.
They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with.
Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Its like that Graham Green book the destructors, where they burn old misery's money to see what tearing someone's world apart feels like, power. :)



Why are you so unforgettable?

'But who you dying for? B, I would have died too, i'd like to.'

Sometimes I feel like i'm the only person left in the world who really thinks anymore, with decency. Being a shapeshifter is a lonely existance.


Natalie was right when she said I outgrew you.
I've decided that preserving hope in people is impossible, so I throw my towel in :)
I'm far too bruised. I'm going to concentrate on other things.
And you are the poorest excuse of a man I think I've ever ever met. Your arrogance and complete disregard disgusts me. But you're unhappy aren't you, and the thought of that makes me happy :).
Now I cross out the possible misunderstandings, and put it down to sheer vileness.
In fact, it is things like this that make me all the more determined, I can function without you, and you, and you. There really isn't anyone who is worth more than a second thinking about, more than a breath talking to, trying with.
Everyone is ultimately too self absorbed and animalistic to care about anyone else really.
And it is so much easier when you feel nothing for them really, just a few hours extra in the shower, and its done.
I'm not one of those girls who seeks anyone out for a kick or because of some deep emotional trauma. I am completely aware, conscious, and maybe that's the problem.
It may be coarse and vulgar, but what it is, is being realistic.
So i'm going to set all my memories aside, and move forward.



This too shall pass-unknown.
As I become smarter, my heart gets a little harder.

'A coma might feel better than this,
attempting to discover where to begin.
You're weighed down, you're full of something.
Of sickness, and desertion.
You're weighed down, you're full of something,
you're underneath it all.

So say goodbye to love,
and hold your head up high.
There's no need to rush
we're all just waiting, waiting to die.

Hoping a better place is all I need,
with moments of innocence and mystery.
Oh, it's the little things you miss.
Like waking up all alone.
Oh, it's the little things you miss,
when you're underneath it all.' - Dallas Green.

I don't think I could hate you and love you, any more.
You replaced me.
After saying we'd try, I'd try, after I let all of that mess of stuff come rushing out of my mouth, I surrendered.
I held up the white flag, quite visibly, but I was spoiled, others have had me now, so you showed indifference.
You say you think about me, every day but you were unsure what these feelings were.
As we both showed each other indifference, our time ran out, and it can be so easy to, but it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth..
I was willing to go backwards, to drag the past all up, for the sake of love.
Love that is a constant.
What is it that Red says in that Steven king short novel, that hope is a dangerous thing, and should not be encouraged, I believed you wouldn't and I believed that someone would make it better, But this weekend I've been shown I was utterly wrong :').
When I think about when I went through that awful awful time, I remember calling you for reassurance, and believing your lies, when you had her too. You said it was because it was so easy for her to want you.
You liked the power, and everyone does don't they? And all the times I begged, cried, screamed, didn't eat, slept for days, you maintained that arrogance, it was nice wasn't it the power of knowing you'd broken me and hurt her?
And now, she is fat and unattractive, and I have advanced.
It destroyed me beyond recognition, so I reinvented myself.
I don't like what I see, but I am capable of anything and I keep calm and carry on.
That part of my history, I'd like to erase.
I fear I may never be happy again.


''You mean you want me, to pose as some kind of prostitute?'
'Well why not?'
'No' she said, a little indignantly 'I couldn't do that'
'I probably couldn't either', he said in a gloomy voice 'And motels are out, I can't drive. Well I guess that's that.' He lit another cigarette. 'Oh well, its true anyway, doubtless you would be corrupting me. But then again' he said with mild bitterness.
'Maybe I'm incorruptible'
Marian was looking out over the baseball park. The night was clear and crisp, and the stars in the black sky burnt coldy. It had snowed earlier, fine powdery snow, and the park was a white blank space, untracked. Suddenly she wanted to go down and run and jump in it, making footmarks and mazes and irregular paths. But she knew that in a minute she would be walking sedately as ever across it towards the station.'
-page 202.

'I need your money, it'll help me: I need your car and I need your love..'

'I was amazed at my own detatchment.'- Marian, The Edible Woman.

I think I am ending my honeymoon period, where I am amazed at my own stability.
For the past few months, I was amazed at myself, how indifferent I could become, how cold.
It almost became a game. I jump from sinking ship to sinking ship and keep up the facade to anyone who gets too close. The rest of the world I am not fooling. Now it does not work, it was the machine that pushed me forwards, now it is the machine that is holding me back, metallic, cold.
You were Monumental.
But you will never know it :).
Not just a little mark on a map, or a peice of stone that would be insignificant otherwise, you refreshed me. I no longer wish to keep calm and carry on.
This in itself is weak, governed by feeling, harmful.

'They sat without moving.
the city, the time outside the white circle of the park, had almost vanished. Marian felt her flesh gradually numbing.; her feet had ceased to ache. she pressed herself deeper into the furry surface; outside, the snow was falling. She could not begin the effort of getting up..
'you took a long time,' he said quietly at last. 'I've been expecting you'
Her body was beginning to shiver 'I have to go now' she said.
Against her neck she felt a convulsive movement of the muscles beneath his face.'
Page 171 , The Edible Woman.

I just can't let it.
Ever.
♥

That it won't come around That we've lost what we'd found Neither of us freer#.

'And the story's all over you
In the morning I'll call you
Can't you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue.'


I think perhaps I am calming down.
I'm seeing signs, I prefer light pink to black and peacock blue.
I don't understand why it manifests in colours.
But in 'calming down', why am I choosing bland, 'pretty colours'?
Femininity should not be motherhood, nor virginial or what men find attractive.
It should be anything, anything at all. But why do I see it as pink, or roses, motherhood.
The word, and even my mind is rotten to the core.
Maybe I should not say I have calmed down then.



'If Hans christian anderson could've had this way with me, then none of this shit would've ever gone down, In my cell i'm tattooing myself with mermaids and swallows, and though I do swallow, My mama thinks i've grown, but i'm really just little. And someday I will remember'

We are all prisoners, piles of our thoughts running miles in the dark just trying to get home.

I wish I could quit you, i'm so incredibly finished my legs ache.
They say give it a year, after something so serious.
I know until then, I can't fully be free.
Neither freer.
I want a chance to forget, If I was given a real one, not false, I would run away with it.
I really would try.