And depending on the weather, i'm a changer;#

'You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it
This has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down

I don't care where you move I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are 
In case our timing is right
In case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice
Or a tongue full of sympathy

You know it kills me to see such a pretty girl so tired
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me
Like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry
Or a fucking fit of honesty.'

I don't like this song, but the lyrics were just so poetic.
Its not sunk in still, that you don't remain anymore.

You are dead. I have to keep saying it aloud as clarification.You stopped eating, and i didn't want to see you, because you were fighting to be set free, you looked like a prisoner of the holocaust, broken already. My mother said you'd lost your soul a long time ago. But when I last saw you, two weeks ago. You held my hand, and you were never one for affection, and you told me good luck. You kept looking at me though, but you didn't know what you were doing. It was animistic, scary, raw. You look frightened, I couldn't look at you for too long without crying. You said 'we used to hold hands once' and looked so full of childlike nostalgia, and it was lovely. You stopped making sense, but that was okay because then you weren't as bitter and rude. I saw what you always kept hidden, emotion. And that's how I'll remember you.

I love you, I miss you, and with everything I don't feel I can cope. I am not stable enough to.

I have not changed.

And I doubt I ever will, and therefore I'm stuck.

It's all come crashing down, hello 2010.

Feel like running.

Everything's static, and everything is falling apart.
Everything I believe in, falling apart at the seams.
I honestly know some of the most interesting, and in turn messed up people possible.
I look to them for advice, strength, comfort.
And they are so Important to me I can't even fathom it.
They're all so beautiful.
I have replaced all the love I could ever give someone intimately for the love of these people.
And worrying about them is making me feel sick, so sick.
I'm not going to pretend that I haven't ever gone on a downhill spiral, that I haven't destroyed myself, because I did, only to completely reinvent myself once again. Good or bad I can't decide.
But to see so many people I care about going further and further into destroying themselves.
I've become mundane, settled, in a limbo. And all around everyone is going out and doing everything possible. We all thought 2010 would be better, and its had one of the worst starts possible.
Causing harm.
I want the best for them.
Because what's best for them is best for all of us.
And I really do hope.
♥

'But a friend of mine says it's good to hear
That you believe in love even if set in fear
well I'll hold you there brother and set you straight
I wont make believe that love is frail
And willing to break

I will come back here, bring me back when I'm old
I want to lay here forever in the cold.
I might be cold but I'm just skin and bones
And I never love England
More than when covered in snow

I wrote my name in your book, only god knows why
And I bet you that he cracked a smile
And I'm clearing all the stuff out of my room
trying desperately to figure out
What it is that makes me blue
and I wrote in a big letter to you
And it's 22 pages front and back
And it's too good to be used
and I tried to be a girl who likes to be used
I'm too good for that
There's a mind under this hat and I
Called them all and told them i've got to move

I'm out man , it's too hard

Feel like running, feel like running
Running off.
And we will keep you, we will keep you little one
Safe from harm, like an extra arm
You are part of us.

You were so smart then in your jacket and coat
and my softest red scarf was warming your throat
Winter will leave us, left the end of my nose
So goodbye old England 'till next years snow..'

'They fuck you up, your mum and dad..#'

'They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

  They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.'-Larkin.



how could two people so flawed create a perfect daughter?
You say I am a failure, sometimes I think that If I never was you would've been happier.
You could've felt like you could've left him.
You confide in me about your fear, anger towards him you let me feel sorry for you, so i confide.
But you use this against me, to stab me in the back.
You manipulate me, and I was stupid to thing you were strong or liberated.
You are as trapped as the classic housewife,
afraid of being alone. Well you already are.
and this is the end of me trusting you,
thinking that you are a good person.
Bye mother.
Have fun alone :).
I will never let myself be like you.

But once love got me in the gut, there was no real fight, it tore me up;

'Think my bones are breaking
under black eyes and bookcases up to the sky
the promises i made myself -
that i wouldn't land it cause it's a bad habit -
they don't help

the nights are crazy
and when i try to sleep
all i see is grinding teeth and soft skin
you're biting into my mess
and i bask in the pain that comes to pass

the heart wants us to fall in love
everyone i know wants to fall in love
but love once got me in the gut
there was no real fight, it tore me up.'

Have I surrendered?
Gone back on everything I 'stood for'.
Its impossible.
To learn to like oneself, to stop yearning for comfort.
I got my best friend back ♥

I belong to you for now..#

Alice in wondeland comes out on my birthday, the screenshots look incredible.
I'm not Tim Burton's biggest fan but I may have to see it.

'But it starts with a picture
And it sits in your frame
And we part with a letter
And it ends in my name
And it starts with forever
And it ends with a touch
And I know that you're clever
And I don't ask much.'


'You said I'm arresting
You said I had heat
I really thought we'd go further
The second time we meet
Cause I'm tired of trying to keep you
All I want to do is sleep
Then perhaps when I'm sleeping
You'll get back on your feet'


Familiarity.



'I can be elusive if you want me to
I'm not being intrusive I just wish I knew the truth
As to why I wait for you
Longer than the average person would
And why I think about you
More than I think one should

Our bodies fit together like a make shift puzzle
It's clear to see why you puzzle me
When you turn your frame and you whisper my name
As though I am a burden

Because I'm making up for lost time
And I'm making up for you
And I'm waking up from last night
And I'm waking up with you
So what's new?
So what's new?

I am at your house
I belong to you for now
Trying to impress you but lord I don't how
I can be a statue if you want me too
I'm not being difficult I just need to know the truth..'

Ellie goulding is truly beautiful, and she's made me so happy today.

Where did the people go? My hands are empty, you're not the answer I should know..

Kaya Scodelario is one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen.


'They couldn't think of something to say the day you burst
With all their lions and all their might and all their thirst
They crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin
Against the walls against your rules against your skin..'

At last, I know what I want to be. ♥

'I'm sorry it took me so long.'

I'm thinking of going platinum blonde, and shorter, But I haven't the money.
'You're a little bit damaged, i'm a sucker for that. want to take you in my hands, want to bring you back.. You're a little bit jaded and you're closing the door, and all that you felt then you don't feel anymore. I'm the picture that's faded, I'm the love you don't trust, take the girl out out from under glass and she'll always want too much..'

You confuse me.
And i'm trying, I really am.
I'm looking forward to: Town with the lovely Shenaaz Chenia tomorrow, & a catch up, lots of tobacco, Mickey Finn's and fight club with Danni on Friday.♥
Keeping saniiityyy.

And I'm sick of all these Patriotic Groups on facebook.
I love England but it's not perfect.
And I don't support either war, does that mean I shouldn't live here?
Soldiers are neither heroes nor villains.
I'm bored of bigots using patriotism to be racist.



EDIT; You are 2009esque, so I wash my hands of you. You yearned for power, and so tried to confuse me at every twist and turn. Well I'm not allowing it. If you're looking for a pick me up, I won't be yours.

She's like a butterfly, hardened into an enamelled lapel pin while still half out of the chrysalis, how will she ever unfold?'

'TRAM WIRES, CROSS MELBOURNE SKIES. CUT MY RED HEART IN TWO. MY KNUCKLES BLEED, DOWN JOHNSON STREET, ON A DOOR THAT SHOULDNT BE IN FRONT OF ME.TWELVE THOUSAND MILES AWAY FROM YOUR SMILE; I'M TWELVE THOUSAND MILES AWAY FROM ME. STANDING ON THE CORNER OF BRUNSWICK GOT THE RAIN COMING DOWN AND THE MASCARA ON MY CHEEK.'

Last night I watched Wallander, the English remake of the Swedish 'Sidetracked' books, and I fell in love with the song that's in the opening credits. I fell in love with the series too, its so moody and gripping.
I'm reading The Robber Bride, its incredible.
First AS retake tomorrow, and my brain is just about full of philosophy. I really hope I pass.
I have an urge to go charity shopping.

McRomance. Want some fries with that shake?

'I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.'
I love Clementine, in fact I just adore this film, period. Its so romantic, and real.

You think its a good idea to slag me off to my best friend do you? Well, it isn't. No one ever said it meant anything, Not me and not especially you.
I didn't want it to. Nor did I 'use you' or whatever you think I did.
Nothing was said, and you saw me cry, which I really didn't want you to.
If you had listened to anything I said, you'd know It wasn't what I was looking for.
Nothing I said suggested otherwise.
So what I did, what happened, what does that make me?
Its completely acceptable for you to be casual about it with other people, but when I do it i'm a bitch? Just because I did something unconventional, and made you feel bad, doesn't deem me a bitch.
You are full of hypocrisy, shut up.



'If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore

No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine

If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine.'

♥

Annoyed.

Okay so disliking you probably goes against everything I've ever preached, everything I believe in. But I am only human after all, and I find it hilarious that after all this you still retain the arrogance you have, towards me. Well in the end I got to upper hand didn't I? I was stronger than you and not as stupid. I will laugh at the contempt you show me. Obviously I hate him so much more, it would be silly to blame anyone else, but still. You are vacuous, shallow, weak, and aren't particularily pretty so :)
Don't tempt me, because one day I will say something. I think 'Faking slut' sums you up perfectly, and they are not my words.
And in the end, you can't ruin what is already ruined, and I would never had, if i'd have known.. Because there's such a thing as solidarity, and I would have put everything aside, because its just not right to inflict pain on someone else for oneself. But he was convincing, for a while anyway.



Well my UCAS, is being nit picked and is finally through, and pretty late actually. One of my resolutions for this year was to be more orientated to my future, it's important. Happiness is hard to achieve, but a good foundation to be happy and successful isn't in the end. I will be successful, I have a brain and i'm willing to use it. I want to go out there and prove myself, see new things. Change is an inevitable part of life, and is healthy for us, as people. And there will be people I'm going to miss, and others I will be glad to get away from as soon as possible. There are people however that I love and worry about, a lot. I can't say i've always done what is best for me, but I never feel that I went off the rails, in the past few months I've learned more about myself alone, than I ever thought possible, and that has been good for me really, I've grown up.
Some people I'm leaving behind because I wonder what they'll be like when I come back. I'm not saying this in an egotistical way, that they'll fall apart without me. But I just wonder what will happen to them. Obviously many people are thinking about this, but I don't see the point of being hated for wanting to go to University? Leicester doesn't hold anything for me, I'm not going to fail my A2 and get a dead end job, I WANT to go further. My parents aren't paying for it actually, despite popular belief, i'm going to get a loan and be independant.
I even purposely picked one not too close and not too far away, so I could come back. When you grow up, you do see people less, but you can still be in contact with them, they can mean the same. But now I'm being bitched about because I'm spending more time on college work? I wonder why you do this, surely you want the best for me? What will happen to you? i'm sorry to say it but what will, you were clever and are clever enough to do a degree, you just have no self belief. But if you are happy as you are, and I'm not worth trying on then so be it. Despite all the times i've tried to help, but obviously that wasn't good enough was it? Do you think the past few years have been a walk in the park for me? No they haven't and i'm sorry to say this, but i've been through a billion times more than you have, not like its a competion and that some of it wasn't my own doing but still. This isn't the end of anything, nessercarily, I still have friendships that I made long before we ever met.
But we've splintered off into two groups.
And if i'm the bad one, if you're going to stay like that forever. Which I would never call my life gladly, it might work for you, but I'm just pointing out :)
Then so be it, Because its pathetic.
And you say you've grown up but I really think you need to look at a few things. If you go out of your way to ruin good friendships, then there's no going back. And you can complain til hell and back about your life, but if you don't do anything about it then it will never get better, DEAD END.
You do mean more to me than anyone on the planet. But there's only so much i'm willing to take.
There are several people, who this is about.


'So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
We're both such magnifacent liars.
So crush me baby, I'm all ears.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
I'll give in one more time and feed you stupid lines all about "cleaning up my act...'

I'm so lost, not at all well, i'm so lost..

Same shit, different year.
It feels like an old friend, familiar, and its the familiarity that scares me, I remember I was not like this once.
I pick myself up time and time again, brush off the dush, but the cracks are evident.
I yearn for comfort, and Iam no longer robust.
We are actors in a play, you and me. You seem more capable than I am, more likely to win praise, awards. You can pretend til you stop breathing that you are a good person at heart, and that you didn't destroy me, that you no longer love me.

Whereas I forget my lines, come on stage intoxicated, and everyone knows the script. I'm condemned to be trapped, in the set forever more, as it fades.

There's always something holding me back.. in every sense.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.♥


I want something new./

And the sun was never called, and darkness spreads over the snow, like ancient bruises.

Do I burn down these walls that feel so close to home, or live easily, drabbly, with nothing to fear?
'Live fast, die pretty' is a quote often used, but what of the consequences?Surely for a while, we have to live with some of them.
Its not often that people worry that they have given too little, more that they have given too much, and then lost it all.
I really have no idea what you see in me, you have your pick of all the pretty girls..
But I do, feel something, i'd just never say.
My feet are too aquainted with concrete though, to take them off the ground.
Blind faith is not something i'd associate myself with.
I'd take a jump, but i'm tired.
Things are looking up though.









'And the clock still strikes midnight and noon
And the sun still rises and so does the moon
Birds still migrate south and people move on
Even though I'm no longer in your arms
Thought the mountain would crumble
And the rivers would bend
But I thought all wrong and the world did not end
Guess the maps will just have to stay the same for a while
Didn't even need therapy to rehabilitate my smile
Rehabilitate my smile

Thought I'd cry for you forever
But I couldn't so I didn't...'

Mastering oneself is true power♥