You were the worst thing that ever happened to me.

My heart has flown to fields of flowers and open roads
While I'm left lying in my bed.
The darkness holds little rest for weary bones.
Now turn the page, the chapter's ending.

The earth is on her knees,
as oceans cover me.
Sail your ship across my sea,
and I'll see you in my sleep.

'We'll do it all, everything On our own. We don't need Anything Or anyone.'

♥

'One minute i'm a little sweetheart, and the next you are an absolute creep.'

Into a plastic rainbow
And I have left myself to hang
In a halloween sky.

I let you tattoo a frown
Onto a face of white snow
Now I see footprints of a man
Running through my eyes.

Do I despise these perfect lies
I tell myself each night and day
Go kiss by blackened heart goodbye
I'm running out of things to play.

Hey, see I need to forget
That I've become a plastic rainbow
And I'm melting in the sun
And I have fallen from the sky
In a million multi-coloured lies.'

You said we were like sid and nancy.
sidkillednancy.
and in a way: You have killed me.
Enjoy the irony.
I cried all night while you stared serenely at the ceiling.
'Why are you different now'
'I've got you now, I don't need to impress you.'
Yet again I was seen as a pick me up, an object.
With no use but for the mechanical things, doing errands for you, someone for you to fuck.


I've Never Felt So Alive, Or So Dead♥

'Forever in control.'
'I'm always in control.'

What a nice damaging flavour of the month you have been;
ROT.


Unlike the others, I shout obscenties back. This is it without the violence, I feel my mouth saying things it would never say 'its not like this all the time'.
I could see myself changing, being moulded.
I am not a little character.
The fact I found out you were capable made me leave, capable of hurting me.
You have ground all confidence I had before into an organic, messy pulp.
Thankyou for making me realise that I was better than this.

All I really want is deliverance..#

'And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker.'

I'm eighteen on Friday, and as excited as I am its going to ruin everything.

Last free sanctuary..

It is nessercary to suffer to be beautiful-Unknown.


'Lights out,
I still hear the rain,
These images that fill my head,
Now keep my fingers from making mistakes,
Tell my voice what it takes,
To speak up,
Speak up,
and keep my conscience clean when I wake.'

I never wanted what I am becoming.
Unfortunetly I am perpetually human.
Open up your heart, and then?

'I've never told a lie,
and that makes me a liar,
I've never made a bet,
but we gamble with desire,
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.'

'I am,
in a room I built myself.'
As she sings she chokes. It constricts. You are simply a mirage in my mind, I construct you as I wish.
Its come full circle and all gone too far.
I've fallen too fast, and there's no going back.
If I think I can change you, then I am deluded.
You own me and I own you.
I have altered myself to fit your specifications.
I've weakening, its petrifying.
But maybe I should surrender, stop treading water.
I'm tired.
Will it ever be right?


'In a consumerist society manufactured by men, appearance is seen as the main asset for a woman whereas with men this is not as important. In the edible woman, Atwood's commentary on the unrealistic ideals enforced on women is best shown in a scene in which Marian buys a dress she does not really like to comply with her husbands requests, and is transformed into someone she barely recognises, Marian compares this to an operation. Installed under a hair dryer, Marian finds herself part of an assembly line of identical women. Marian wonders if this 'inert' and 'simply vegetable' existance is what she is being pushed towards and refers to this experience as 'Nessecity of endurance' it is nessercary for her or a woman to do, to succeed, but altogether unpleasant.'

Slowing i'm achieving my 'destiny' and escape is futile.
Dependance is manifesting.

The things I have loved, i'm allowed, to keep. ♥

You made me feel like the other, a vessel. I do not belong to you.
On Saturday I softened, for once I did not close my eyes and hear your voice, imagine it was you.
Now you just fill my void.
My void.
Once more time with feeling.
I am being subdued, achieving my 'destiny' with every word I utter, yet again leaving proof of my mess all over the world.
My being.
There is only a maze of the unfamiliar.
I don't go backwards anymore, there's a lot I don't do anymore.
You say I am 'Complicated but fun'
Yet I am not ready to reveal myself to you.
And you, when the elaborate mask leaves my face, and the cracks are evident, and piles and piles of thoughts are made clear, You do not do me the 'common courtesy'
You are 'typical'.
How am I expected to maintain this optimism?
I shall not sink into the realms of dependancy.
I am not, 'the other'.

Potentially lovely, Perpetually human♥

Yesterday I saw this at the van gough exibition.
It was so beautiful.


'Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again.'


'For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.'


He was not the mad man I have percieved him to be, just a little lost.






'I am
Through the woods and past the trains
I wait here in vain
Scrubbing out the stains again
Potentially lovely
Perpetually human
Haphazardly open
Open
Open

Open up you heart, and then
In a night, the snow starts falling
And everybody stares
Through their windows at the streetlights
Too beautiful to see

I am
In a room I've built myself
Four straight walls
One floor
One ceiling
And day after day, I wake up feeling
Day, way
Day after way feeling

Potentially lovely
Perpetually human
Suspended and open
Open
Open
Open

Open up
Your heart
And then..'



Regina spektor♥
And then?
I know not what I do.

So, What's new?

[See Illude.] Deceiving by false show; deceitful; deceptive; false; illusory; unreal.

Detatchment:
1. The act or process of disconnecting or detaching; separation.
2. The state of being separate or detached.
3. Indifference to or remoteness from the concerns of others; aloofness: preserved a chilly detachment in his relations with the family.



'history repeats itself, it fails to die
and animal agression is my downfall
I don't care about what you got, I wanted all.

It's bricked up in my head, it's shoved under my bed, and I question myself again..'

Remember, faith is precious.